5.19.2008

Middle Age

You spend a big part of your life knowing that you've got it in you. That just around the corner you're going to make good on your promise. That sometime, and probably sometime sooner, not later, you're going to realize your potential.

And then there comes a time when you realize that you're probably not.

And at that point, you're not sure if it's because you never really had it in you or because the stars just didn't align for you.

And to make that confusion even more ambiguous...is the fact that for the last little while, you've honestly started to think that there might be other happinesses for you. Happinesses which might, maybe, be better after all. You start to recognize the nuance in things that used to look plain. You start to enjoy the rhythms of things that you had found monotone and arrhythmic.

And you just wonder: am I settling? Or wisening?

But you're not terribly motivated to find out because...after all...can any of the answers to any of these questions ultimately feel satisfying?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mr. Rudd

We are the same age. I prefer to live in the fantasy that we are not 'middle aged!' or as Beetle Bailey would so deftly express "@$%#$%#$^%#$ #$%#$%^&^(&^*%&^!!!"

From Katies Anonymous Reader

Rini said...

I think (I'm not sure) that that feeling of un-motivation to find out if in FACT there are better, other happinesses... is one of my favorite feelings.

Daniel Rudd said...

I was thinking those same things the other night.

Then I thought to myself:

"what am I *really* about?"

then I thought:

"what does life mean"

then I thought:

"i wonder if there is anything good in the refrigerator"

Jason said...

Hey man...

I'm a friend of your brother Daniel. We've met a couple times. I read you blog often and just wanted you to know that I appreciate your honest dialogue about the nuances of life. It really doesn't matter what you write about, my heart feels warmed and more happy to be alive after I've taken in your thoughts.

i think that's what good writers do...that's what you do...that means you're a good writer. A+B=C

anyway...thank you.

JenninME said...

Jenn: I always hated taupe but now I LOVE it.

Jenn's 50yo friend Meg: Oh, you must be in your thirties.

Used to be plain, now it's nuanced.

We miss you guys.