This picture of my dad, surreptitiously taken, captures him wearing his funeral suit and, given what I recognize from his facial expresssions, helping a group of people together to direct their grief and feelings of loss toward clearer emotions of togetherness, gratitude, memories and hope.
Though I watched my father engage in this meaningful ceremonial discourse my whole life, it is only as I become an old man that I recognize how nuanced, how complex and how valuable this work is.
One of my favorite memories with my dad happened during a summer when I had decided to accept an internship at the same church where he presided. I was briefly trying my hand as a minister, which obviously didn't stick. But my memories from this particular morning linger. We went to the home of some recently bereaved family so that he could listen to them, comfort them, and in doing so plan for the services that would follow later.
We were both handed styrofoam cups of coffee in the crowded living room, full of relatives, teenagers, everyone still dressed in pajamas and sorrow. I looked down at my coffee and saw that the cream had already curdled. I tried to catch my fathers eye and subtly warn him against ingesting the coffee but I did not succeed. His kindness and composure and focus on these bereft people kept him from caring about the ugly tastes he sipped. His face didn't show even the slightest horrror. Because he was fully there for them. I continued to internally cringe with each sip, but his poker face was next level.
I learned that the polished ceremonial self which he presented in ways that respected all and invited catharsis, celebration, acceptance and meaning was deeply rooted in a slow, deliberate, accessible meeting-with and understanding that must be informed by care, compassion, attention, patience and curiosity.
These ways of being have profoundly shaped my professional and personal life and values even though my work and living has been in much different contexts.
Ultimately my most treasured memories with my father, though are more grounded in personal times of connection and sharing in ordinary time. Spending time together with him has been a source of great happiness through all the complex seasons and experiences of life. Happinesses found in exploration, hiking, storytelling, laughing, philosophizing, remembering (and more).
Today is his birthday and I'm happy to celebrate the wide range of wisdom, happiness, love and companionship that have marked our lives togeher. Happy Birthday, Dad!
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